maybe this would be my most frightening birthday in my memory. on this birthday, i was reminded with my biggest unsolved challenge. well, so far this is my biggest unsolved challenge. i totally hope i would read this post years later, grinning satisfyingly while remembering this moment. but the truth is, for now...
i'm afraid.
anyhow, what else could i do but stacking my hopes and prays? i really have no idea what God has in store for me. not that i blame Him or anything, that is not my intention. i wonder if God actually was the one who looked at me and wondered, "what do you want in your life, kid?"
that would be a nice question.
i'm still unsure what and how to reply to that question, though.
every year there are blessings, though. it is indeed true that i am still torn between many things. however, i thought i started to see the bigger picture. it is still blurry, though. still, i moved from the spot that would only allow me to see the dots in the bigger picture, without being able to see the whole of it.
sometimes i think to myself, it is unfair. there is this song, which line got stuck in my head and kept popping up from time to time.
if happy ever after did existand the rest of the song would be "i would still be holding you like this"
well, that is the law in a fairy tale. and fairy tale is as real as fairy. which you know, well, unreal. and i want to live my the reality, in all its beautiful mess.
aaaaaaannnddddddd...
i am finding beauty in the mess i am in right now. one scene, that would protect me from the bad memories which are in making right now. and like a birthday presents from him, that one act branches out to more acts. really, i am happy now. well, sometimes too happy, which isn't good. but yeah, mostly i am happy.
though, one thing i learn from this experience...
happiness doesn't really cover you from fear. fear needs to be conquered by courage that leads to successful results.
and in turn, i am a bit tired actually. i need the strength to protect myself from collapsing because of fear. i need the strength to make me focus to finish every task. i need the strength to stop me every time i feel too happy.
i need every strength i have...and it makes me more vulnerable in other aspects. for example, aspect of consideration. i am less considerate, less patient with people more than ever. and it's kinda not good, because i don't have much to begin with.
anyway, i am hoping i could get my self out from this situation as fast as possible. and i'm hoping i could learn and enjoy as much as possible from this situation too. next year, i would have a better perspective, better mindset, better everything to report to you.
thanks for the pray and wishes, friends!
regards,
angela.
