age: 'Master Builder' years old

sooo...
happy belated birthday to me.

i finally am 22 years old. if i really thought about it, i hadn't done much. and it sucks to realize you haven't done much, when you used to plan, or at least think, you could do much.
nonetheless, i didn't revoke many of my past words. promises, commitment, you name it. so far, i was successful at keeping my words.
but it's not enough.

as i grow older, there should be more books i read, more quotes i know, wider perspective, stronger self.
so, my plans for future are...
1. read more books
specifically, books that would wider my knowledge, thoughts, mind. i love reading, but i used to read stories, the fiction ones. now, i should try to read books about maybe management, marketing, journalistic, laws, philosophy. i also planned to read stories from greatest authors, which had been the foundation of many thoughts.
2. strengthen myself
body and mind. i plan to exercise, if it's possible regularly. i want some muscle, so i could be strong enough to lift things, or defend myself. i couldn't say how much i miss junior high school, when i used to train karate. i could fight, i felt confident. yeah, i kinda missed my old self, which i could say stronger that my present self.
and mind, of course, through reading. i hope this age would be the year that i could get a job, and i think i need to strengthen my mind before entering that world.

so...here is my hope, to better mind, better life. wish me luck.

"Jazakumullah kahairan kasyiron."

 

who are you?

The red seems so old

How long has she hidden?

Still, she shines so bright

Can't time fade her away?

The red feels pretty odd

Have I known her before?

O dear rose, tell me

Is she used to be mine?

Bingung. Wajar?

Awalnya mau bikin postingan tentang menata hati, menata hidup. Tapi setelah dipikir, what a bullshit. I've talked (or at least thought) about the same theme from like three years ago. Apalah juga intinya berpikir untuk menata hidup? Gue memang merasa, bahwa gue yang sekarang berubah. Dan seperti orang pada umumnya lah, gue merasa diri gue yang dahulu lebih baik. Memang hanya itu bukan pilihannya? Antara merasa diri yang yang lebih baik atau lebih buruk dari yang dahulu. Gue merasa diri gue yang dahulu lebih baik, meski diri yang sekarang tidak bisa dikatakan lebih buruk juga. Bingung? Wajar. I've changed.

Akhir-akhir ini ada dua hal yang ngga gue suka dari diri gue sendiri. Pertama, lebih sering berbicara. Apalagi yang gue utarakan adalah kebanyakan keluhan. Mengeluh tuh sampah, ga berguna dan lebih sering bikin lo tambah kesel, baik ke diri sendiri, ke orang lo yang lo keluhin, atau orang lain pada umumnya. Dan lebih tepatnya, gue lebih sering menyesal telah mengucapkan sesuatu. When you talked, people would know something about you, that haven't realized, would be used against you. And there, you'd see all the walls you bulit up would be torn apart by unwanted people. Needless to say, you don't want it, you don't need it. Kedua, being greedy. Mulai serakah. Gue mulai mengharapkan sesuatu, mulai menginginkan lebih dan berharap keinginan gue terkabul. Bukannya gue menentang diri gue menginginkan sesuatu, jelas tidak. If you knew me from a long time, you'd know I'm pretty ambitious. Tapi yang gue inginkan akhir2 ini bukanlah ambisi. Ini hanya keinginan sepele, yang bahkan gue tau gue ga perlu, gue ga butuh, gue ga mau...Yet I looked for them. I want them because I have greed for them. And it has to be stopped.

Singkat, gue merasa gue sudah terlalu open ke orang. Dan gue merasa terancam dengan itu. Ngga yakin, ngga tau juga bagaimana cara menghentikannya, tetapi gue harus berbuat sesuatu. Yang jelas gue mulai ga nyaman di keadaan ini, karena gue mulai terlalu nyaman di sini. Bingung? Wajar. I've changed.

things I'd LOVE to have

1.

 tattooed on my back

 

2.

Not this much, I guess. But yeah, more than one piercing in an ear.

 

3. 

ombre black and blue hair.

4.

runes-inspired jewellery and maybe one more tattoo

By the way, I'm afraid of needle. Yet this is something I really want to have, so I guess I would try to conquer my fear and get what I want. I'm also not sure yet about permanent tattoos, but I'm already more than 50% sure I want them. I guess we'll see whether I would really do these tattoos or not. Actually, the butterfly doesn't have to be like that. The general idea is a little black butterfly tattoo on my back. About piercings, that is one thing I'm already 100% sure of that. and the jewellery....Well, I don't think I could have them soon. Later, perhaps.

I'll tell you when I get one of them done. Have a great day!

feminist power up!

warning: there would be a few things which could offend boys. well, full offense.
but seriously, it was about menstrual period.

last week, i got my monthly period. this is pretty important, since my period isn't that periodic. it could be 3-6 months before i finally get it. that's why i was a bit surprised, yet happy when i got it. well, that happiness didn't last that long, though. why? because it pained.

while the pain was inflicting, growing inside me, it seemed like people around me decided that it was the best time to piss the hell out of me. well, i thought i could handle it pretty well, though. maybe a few biting remarks in twitter, but no real harm done in reality world. i still could handle my thoughts, although there were so many times i just wanted to yell and beat the crap out of those people.

one thing i remarked during those painful moment: i got super feminist.
well, how could i not? the pain was too much. and on the first day, my blood kept flowing like i was an opened sewer. there was no way i could take a picture of it and show it here, although i thought maybe it was a good idea since there were so many of them. the blood, i mean.
it was just insulting to think that boys were stronger than women there. yeah, there are indeed more male soldiers than female soldiers in the field of war. yeah, the scenery of being shot there was bloody and gruesome. but tell me then, which one would freak you more: seeing a bloody arm or a bloody penis?
aren't you guys being circumcised? well, i never saw the process of cutting the penis, but there should be blood, right? now, why don't you imagine those blood kept running, for days, even a week. and it happens every month, since you were teenager, until your hair becomes gray. the only time while you didn't get it is because: 1. you are unhealthy(like me) or 2. your stomach is getting bigger and 9 months later, you pushed out a 3-5 kg things from you little sexual hole.
talk about fair.

funnily, it wasn't the guys who pissed me off. it was the girls. you know, girls who kept telling other girls that girls are weak and boys are strong. girls who told other girls that they pitied you, because you were a girl and not a boy. girls who told other girls that they were worried for you were just (and emphasized on the word 'just') a girl. girls who told other girls that because you were just (once again, the word 'just') a girl, you were weak.
girls who told other girls that girls were meant to be picked (this was literally her exact words, but it was in indonesian).
girls who said all those crap, and said it only, because of one man. a man, who is really peculiar to me.
flamingo.

never meant

Reff:

Sometimes I regret let you into my life

Wish never met, never fell for you

And now no matter how much pain I bear

You are never meant for me

What is the use of good memories

I got weaker when they are played

I want you, I need you

You know yet you don't care

What is the use being close with you

You still don't get what I feel

My heart beats really fast

How can you not hear

(Back to reff)

Bridge:

It really hurts, it really hurts

To see that you are not the one

It really hurts

(Back to reff 2x)



This is a song i happened to compose in brief moment while I was drifting away. This wasn't what I felt at the moment, so no worries. So, I was just googling good quotes, while suddenly I thought about the feeling of wishing to never meet someone. How someone would feel when they realize that the person they fall for is not the one for them. Well, if you look at the bright side, it just means that there is another person who could make them feel much happier, because that other person is the one. But when the breakup happens, they tend to neglect that side, because they feel brokenhearted. Sometimes, even devastated.
And so went all these lines on my head. While for the tune, well, we all have our own tune that pops up at certain moment, right. I just happened to find one of those tunes that suited the length of the line, so I just sung it. Unfortunately, I didn't have music instrument, nor can I play it, so I couldn't record it. Later, perhaps.^^

Prost!

the stupid yet awesome bet, which I won

Morning, people.
Lately, I have a bad habit. Well, I have many bad habits, and actually the one I'm gonna tell you is not new, but since this habit has...How should I put this delicately? This habit has been a real boner.
Normal people will sleep at night and wake up in the morning, right? And sometimes, they sleep at dawn, and wake up at afternoon, right?
Now I sleep at midday and wake up in the evening. I cannot sleep at night, I can't sleep in the morning.
I've tried to stay awake for two days, so I would be worn out and sleep at night. That worked. I slept the whole night until midday. But two hours after I woke up, I slept again. I woke up in the evening, around 8 p.m. Then I thought, maybe I was too tired. So a few days later, without wearing myself out, I tried another way. I did sleep at midday and wake up in the evening. Four hours after I woke up, I slept again. Next day, I woke up at morning. I thought to myself, it works! Later did I know, I still got sleepy at midday and slept again, only to find out I woke up in the evening. Again.

Nah, whatever. And the other important news is, Avola has contacted me. She tweeted an apology to me and Sari, because she couldn't read or answer our calls and messages because her phone was lame. I felt a bit bad for Murti because she wasn't mentioned, even though she was the one who told us the news.
But it means I win the bet! That stupid, awesome bet :D
The bet was: Avola would contact me before I eat. It figuratively means, I couldn't eat anything until she contacted me. Sari and Murti proudly bet that Avola wouldn't contact me, and if she did before I ate, each of them would pay me 25.000 rupiahs.
If you were close to me, you should have known this: Don't make a bet by challenging me. You would lose.
At first, I wasn't sure I could do that. I made that bet when I haven't slept yet, and I tend to forget even my ideas after a long, good sleep. But they challenged me (which was a bad move*smirk*) and I got pumped up. Short story later, as you knew, Avola did contact me the next day, and since I didn't anything yet for a whole day, I won the bet.
Awesome.

I already got an idea for another post, which wouldn't be an annual day report like this one. I need to collect the pictures first (yes, there will be pictures!), so it would take a while. And I've been pretty smooth on writing my final assignment, so...Well, we'll just see it later.

Prost,
Ael.

free end.

I thought that we are true friends. We might be not good friends, but at least we are close to each other. We might not meet frequently, not talk to each other frequently, but we would always be there once we want it.

At least I thought we were. But, were we?

Last Saturday, I was at church, as usual, to attend the youth service. While listened to the preacher, my phone got beeped. I opened my phone to turn it off, while I saw that it was Firda who messaged me. I replied to her, because first, she wasn’t the type who messaged me just to chit chat, so the must be a reason, and second, I did want to ask her a quick question. My quick question got answered, but the next reply got me stunned.

“Is Lesa getting married?”

I thought, ‘What the hell? What kind of joke is this?’

And suddenly I got another message. It was from Murti. And the content was same: Lesa and her marriage.

While kept listening to the preacher, I messaged Murti. From Murti, I knew that Lesa was indeed getting married that day. She knew it from Via, because her boyfie, Hendry was there. With Valdi and Kholis, the other boys. The marriage was in Bogor, at groom’s place. Yes, she was married to Deba. And after this, they would keep quiet and be unreachable for a while.

Could you imagine what ran through my mind? I was frantic, half stunned and half panicked. The girl I thought I’m closest with, was getting married. How was she? Was she okay? Did she have any friend with her now? Did she need me? Did that bastard hurt her? Did she fight with her parents, her sisters?

It was really hard to keep calm while I felt that awful. All I could do is tweeting that flamingo emoticon. Surprisingly, someone responded to it quickly. Pras, my friend, asked what happened. For a second I thought to tease him, but that thought was replaced instantly by my worry. The other message came from Dian.

“Are you okay?”

When I read that message, I blanked. After thinking about it, I could only say: dunno.

Right that time, I couldn’t take it anymore. My tears were coming down silently. I had to storm out from the church before anyone noticed it. And outside, my tears streamed unstoppably.

That was total disaster. When Sari called me, I couldn’t say anything properly because I cried. The worse thing, my church mates realized it and asked me about it like, a lot. That was total embarrassing, yet I couldn’t stop it. Even when I was already at home, tears kept coming down. Until that info came. That flamingo info from Murti.

“Santo came.”

FUCK! Sorry, but Santo came? Santo came? Santo came? SANTO CAME? ?!?

Just so you know, I tried to not use the real ‘f’ word. I prefer said flamingo, because there really was no event worth of me saying out the real ‘f’ word.

Until that moment.

I called Murti directly, swearing out loudly. Instantly, my worries and sadness buried under new emotion: rage. Did she invite him and not invite me? And why didn’t she tell me that she was getting married? What the hell did she think of me anyway? Did she not consider me as her close friend? Why the hell should I hear such news from another friend? Why the hell did she say nothing? Why the hell could he come while I couldn’t?????????????

Later that night, I, Sari and Murti chatted in conference. We talked to each other, trying to figure out why Lesa said nothing, what actually happened and what she thought. Sari was furious, Okti was trying to be neutral, while I was still upset over Santo’s incident. But that time, I realized something.

I am her friend. She is my friend.

I choose to not believe them, I choose to believe her. She didn’t tell me anything, so that didn’t happen. When she tells me, then I’ll believe. And I will listen to her, trust her explanation, and support her all the way. And while those are important, the most important thing is she is awesomely okay.

Why?

Because we are free end.

Yes, we were, we are, and we will be.

We are friend.

Radner! ^^

This morning I watched the football match between Italy and Costa Rica. Surprisingly, Costa Rica beats Italy! This result leads to ‘Bye bye, England’. I don’t know. I feel a bit blue on this month, and it’s all because of World Cup. Of course I support Germany to be the ultimate winner, but Spain and England have my heart too. Although I fully know I should be happier because it means less dangerous match for Germany, but both of them deserve better than this.

Besides, World Cup reminds me of…Well, another World Cup.

Nah, where are we again?

However, I just wanted to tell you that I”ve found the ultimate drink for this season! It’s called Radner and it’s from Germany!

The recipe is simple. You just need beer and lime soda. Mix it, and voila! It’s awesome. It’s much better than to drink just the soda, especially if the brand is big cola, because it’s too sweet. So, the beer helps! And the soda makes the beer feels lighter, not to mention less bitter!

They say if you mix beer and coke, it would be called Diesel. I don’t know, I think Radner will taste better. Nevertheless, I’ll try it, though. And when I try it, I’ll definitely tell you here!

Prost!

Ael

random part 3

Just today, I watched the football match between Spain and Chile. It’s really awful that Spain, the previous winner, has to go home without making into even top 16. And to make it worse, they didn’t even score a goal. At first I pity Casillas, because I really like him. But as the game went on, I realize that Spain’s perform sucks. They didn’t take risks, although they were desperate of points and there was windows to make a shot. They passed the ball between teammates too much, they were nervous to death and it could be seen because they slipped so flamingo often, and when they shot, they didn’t make it. Could you imagine? A team worthy of most crowded famously awesome players couldn’t make any goal?

Anyhoo…Here I am, at my room, alone. My cousin already left for work and now I was alone with my thoughts. I checked my phone, had no message whatsoever, and remembered that internet connection goes pretty fast in the morning. I saw an interesting from a junior schoolmate, so I read her twits. I remembered she had a blog, so I visited her blog. And from her blog, I’m blogwalking. I found a few blogs from my junior schoolmate and read it lazily.

From there, I could see a few similarities.

1.      Most of the blogs were no longer updated. Their last post was usually at 2010.

2.      They could write pretty well. Poetic, even.

3.      They study abroad.

4.      They write so easily about lovelife, especially the happy one.

Do you know, that I get jealous so easily?

Really, I envy people easily. And being my friend means it’s easier for me to envy you.

Well, it’s not like I’m the type who would do something bad to you when I envy you. And I wouldn’t do that, not only because I promise to be a good girl this year, but that’s not me. And if you asked how could I not do something bad to you when I envy you…

I’m too lazy to do that.

Yeah, I envy them for their physically comfortable life. But would I trade mine for them? Oh, my heart would say, ‘yes, I would!’. That’s when my mind wonder…

If I were them, it means I would have more supportive family about my thoughts for future. I would have many close friends, who would get superb excited about doing something crazy. I would have un-awkward close male friends, who would look at me as their true close friend and openly discuss anything, serious and non serious. I would have better choice of education. I could do my hobbies much much more comfortable.

But I can’t.

I love my family. My father is the most handsome man on the world, my mother is so cute inside and outside and it can’t be helped and my sister, well…she couldn’t live without me.

And I have enough cool friends that I would never trade for anyone else. Maybe they don’t get excited when I suggest something crazy. Maybe they are even just normal. But every second of craziness, as little as it is, is enough for a lifetime. And still, we have so many times, who knows what will happen next? ;)

And my male friends…As uber awkward they are, I don’t wanna trade them. Ever. They might be awkward, unloyal, untrusting, and couldn’t get serious…Well, they do suck. They really suck. But let me repeat, I don’t wanna trade them. Ever.

Well about education and hobby thingy…Actually I would trade mine with theirs if I could. But life couldn’t be traded over, and that’s what makes life precious. Life is designed justly and distinguished for each person. So now all I could is make sure I would reach that kind of education and hobby thingy as soon as possible, so I could enjoy them without losing my family and friends.

This is soo random,but I feel like I better write it down. Well, to add numbers to my posts in this blog too. I don’t know, I think I would be a bit productive. Well, let’s hope it would last long...

Prost,

Ael

i need coffee.

Gelap itu kamu.
Dan gelap itu seperti kopi.
Sepahit apa pun, kamu yang aku butuh untuk membangunkanku.
Kamu yang aku butuh untuk hidup di negeri dongeng.
Dimana ada pangeran untuk setiap putri.
Dimana ada kamu untuk aku.
Kamu yang aku butuh untuk hidup tanpa mimpi.

Karena kamulah mimpi.
Karena kamu yang ada untukku kala gelap.
Sepekat apa pun, kamu yang aku butuh untuk menggenggam tanganku.
Dan gelap itu seperti kopi.
Gelap itu kamu.

judging

There’s a proverb, that states ‘don’t judge a book by its cover’. That proverb only suggests, that there’s a lot more something about anyone, or anything, than just the appearance. It doesn’t really suggest that I shouldn’t judge people, though. Eventually people will judge me, and I will judge people. It’s like a circle, which has no end.

I used to tell myself to not judge other people. But, does it even make sense? I even judge my own self! Let’s see: after bath I pick my clothes. I try it on, then look at the mirror. I asses the good point from that cloth, and if I wasn’t satisfied, I try another. After a few moments of consideration, I pick my final decision. Now, isn’t it judging?

Consciously and unconsciously, I do judge people. We do. And people do judge us. So, what matters is we judge people fairly. Just like a judge, there are laws and regulations. I find it important to keep emotions on check during the assessment and consideration, so we won’t be tangled in them. On the other side, it’s better to not speak out our judgment. That’s where the Bible passage plays: “Therefore, judge nothing before the appointed time; wait till the Lord comes.” (1 Chor 4:5, NIV). It’s really important to know, that all judgments will come back to you. When you do judge people, do it because: 1. You do want to help or 2. You don’t want to be like that.

My idea is, for every one judgment I want to say, I have to think 4 times. If I am not sure I want to tell them, think it over. If I think I better tell them, think it over. If I am already sure I want to tell them, think it over. And last but not least, when I already stand before them and are about to tell, think it over.

Well, keeping ourselves from falsely judging people is hard. But keeping people from judging us falsely? It’s impossible. My only idea is this: keep calm. Every time I feel or already hear that I was falsely judged and it starts to get on my nerve, I close my eyes and take a deep breath 3 times. Sometimes, all we need is 3 deep breaths and we could see better. If you feel you are judged because you are indeed at faults, well, you already know what you should do. But mostly, I try to think that they judge falsely me because I’m important and famous. They are just jealous, blablabla. We could pat their backs, so they would be ashamed of their behavior and treat us better. And sometimes, we could high five them. On their face. With a chair. Really, we actually already know how to deal with these…familiar people ;)

Just for the record, today I judged a girl as bitch. It wasn’t a very nice thing to do, besides my emotions totally got in the way. So, I will assess deeper, until I could finally say she’s a nice girl. I believe she is actually nice, and I hope I could see the evidence I need for me to say so.

Keep calm and write a blog post, folks!

Regards,

Ela.