far enough, hopefully

Yesterday I was doing nothing, as usual. I had a plan actually with a few mates in the evening. At noon I was slouching on bed, doing nothing and feeling bored. I picked my phone and scrolled the screen, jumped from one page to another, basically tried to find something a bit interesting.

I typed something on Google and a few suggestions appeared. It was a search about a particular quiz. Absentmindedly I opened the first page suggested and did the quiz. It was a quiz about depression. Standard questions and nothing piqued my interest. As the result was out, I saw that I just had 30% of depression and it was a low at scale. Yet the result suggested that I had symptoms of bipolar, so they offered a link to bipolar disorder quiz.

Naturally, I was baited.

Once again, the quiz had standard questions and nothing piqued my interest. Since I thought it was just like the previous quiz, if not lamer, I waited for the result to pop without any interest. You can guess what happened? The result showed that I had very high scale at depression. By number? It was 100% of bipolar disorder.

I only have a very vague, little knowledge about bipolar disorder. Was it a multiple personality stuff or something? That result fished a bit more interest from me, because I didn’t think the result would vary very differently from the previous yet similar quiz I’ve taken.

Of course I knew how silly those quizzes are. The web also stated that the quiz was just meant for information and fun and you shouldn’t take in a a real diagnose. I also didn’t have any interest to know what bipolar disorder is, since I thought the quiz was just stupid. Okay, I was lazy. So, no, this story wasn’t meant to tell you about how I ended up thinking I was having a bipolar disorder and started to justify my life story with the informations I gathered about it. No, that wasn’t the highlight.

After reading the result and thinking how amusing the difference in the results...then, I wondered:

how did I get here?

Do you remember how this story started? After the slouching part, people. Yes, I typed something on Google.

What did I type?

how close you are to suicide

Yeay

I can't wait to take picture of us.
Later, I could delete them while pretending what I delete are the memories of us.


I can't wait to make memories of us.
Later, I could relive them while laughing at how painful the memories of us are.

Prost.

My Person

First post I made since I moved to Bandung. Since I lived by myself. Since I went to college, again.

I have told this to people, "I became an anti social person." Truthfully, it's kind of lonely here sometimes. I'm not sure how to make friends here, I'm not sure I'm happy when I come back and meet my friends. I don't know what happenned, but lately I realized how much I've changed. Would I give a damn about having friends before? Truthfully...No. I still remember how I used to say that having friends are useless. Well, you see, I was never the type to be friendly and popular during school. I was even bullied at one period. Then, it got better when I entered uni, no doubt about it. I also got closer to my childhood friends around that time. I thought it was good.
Was it, though?

Of course I don't regret that fact I befriend them. I'm trully happy and grateful that I have such great friends.
I just...kind of disliked how I turn out right now.
I feel like I'm stupid and selfish for not being able to distinguish when an era ends and when it begins. Yes, back at school, I didn't have many friends. And it was okay. Yes, back at uni, I had a lot of friends. And it was awesome. Now that I wasn't in that uni era anymore...I should reset my mind and be okay again despite having no friends. Yet my mind isn't as clear as I want to, it's muddled with attachment and needles want. I started to think about having more friends, when I exactly know that wouldn't work. How do I know? Come on, do you really think I didn't start making friends at all here?  Of couse I tried it. The people were great and I enjoyed being with them. But when I'm alone with my thoughts only, all I feel is...it's tiring. Why it is tiring I haven't found the answer.

Well, maybe this conflict surfaced because of the social media. I probably would feel better if I didn't see posts on those outlets. Seeing other people happy with their person...kinda makes me wanting it. A person...for me...

I know it's useless. That want dissappear as fast as it surfaces. Having a person is difficult. Being someone's person is also difficult. Not to mention both I and that person are our own person, thus we no one's possesion. Calling someone my person...isn't it too much? It's not like I'm a princess or queen.

Is it confusing? I seem like writing without a point, don't I? Just think of it as a rant. The point is, I just felt a bit lonely now.
Oh shit, it's close to Christmas. No wonder I felt more  sentimental than usual...
Whatever.

just a phase

Always one step too much.


That's how I feel right towards myself now. Always, always one step over the line. Too much. Too little. Too soon, too late. Too tired, too excited. Never quite the right timing nor the right person.

Yep, like it or not, I kind of feel depressed.
Why? My friend once said that people at my age are kind of susceptible of being depressed.
It's kind of relaxing to hear such news. At least, it might be just a phase. No, it really is just a phase. Like, college lesbian phase. Smoking teenager phase. Adventurous traveller phase.

In some way, it feels like I'm feeling too much. I'm overthinking. I'm overthinking about overthinking. Again, one feeling and thinking too much, i feel numb. Then I feel stupid about why I would be numb, while nothing went wrong so far. But no matter how okay I feel, how right it feels sometimes...there's always the numbness. One moment. One night. One morning.

It's okay.
It's just a phase.