First post I made since I moved to Bandung. Since I lived by myself. Since I went to college, again.
I have told this to people, "I became an anti social person." Truthfully, it's kind of lonely here sometimes. I'm not sure how to make friends here, I'm not sure I'm happy when I come back and meet my friends. I don't know what happenned, but lately I realized how much I've changed. Would I give a damn about having friends before? Truthfully...No. I still remember how I used to say that having friends are useless. Well, you see, I was never the type to be friendly and popular during school. I was even bullied at one period. Then, it got better when I entered uni, no doubt about it. I also got closer to my childhood friends around that time. I thought it was good.
Was it, though?
Of course I don't regret that fact I befriend them. I'm trully happy and grateful that I have such great friends.
I just...kind of disliked how I turn out right now.
I feel like I'm stupid and selfish for not being able to distinguish when an era ends and when it begins. Yes, back at school, I didn't have many friends. And it was okay. Yes, back at uni, I had a lot of friends. And it was awesome. Now that I wasn't in that uni era anymore...I should reset my mind and be okay again despite having no friends. Yet my mind isn't as clear as I want to, it's muddled with attachment and needles want. I started to think about having more friends, when I exactly know that wouldn't work. How do I know? Come on, do you really think I didn't start making friends at all here? Of couse I tried it. The people were great and I enjoyed being with them. But when I'm alone with my thoughts only, all I feel is...it's tiring. Why it is tiring I haven't found the answer.
Well, maybe this conflict surfaced because of the social media. I probably would feel better if I didn't see posts on those outlets. Seeing other people happy with their person...kinda makes me wanting it. A person...for me...
I know it's useless. That want dissappear as fast as it surfaces. Having a person is difficult. Being someone's person is also difficult. Not to mention both I and that person are our own person, thus we no one's possesion. Calling someone my person...isn't it too much? It's not like I'm a princess or queen.
Is it confusing? I seem like writing without a point, don't I? Just think of it as a rant. The point is, I just felt a bit lonely now.
Oh shit, it's close to Christmas. No wonder I felt more sentimental than usual...
Whatever.
