the most important thing in my life

in the youth service tonight, someone asked, "what is the most important thing in your life?"
he gave us about 3 minutes to think of the answer, and heard out each of our answer. i sat at the edge, so i got more time to think about it. and it was good, because even until my time came up, i was still unsure about my answer.
i gotta admit, once i heard the question, i thought  of God. but then i thought, it was a youth service. we were at the church. i do believe God is the most important thing in your life. then i thought to my self, what about the second? and this was the list of thing that popped in my head.

1. family
once i thought about it i was like, "eyy...is it?" i didn't mean to be an ungrateful child, but to be honest i don't think family is the most important thing in my life. they are people I would die for, that's for sure. they are important more than anything and irreplaceable, that's for sure. but to say they are the most important means i would put them first in any, if not most, situation. and as much as i love my family and the uncountable thing i would do for them, to say family is the most important thing for now isn't...right. there are times when i would prefer to spend time with other than with them. therefore, i didn't say "family".
though i guess if the question was, "who is the most important thing in your life?", my answer would be, "my family."
this is kind of contradicted with my final answer -__-

2. time
i gotta be honest, i thought to answer 'time', because i just re-watch the movie, lucy. have you seen the movie. it was about a human who was able to use her brain up to 100%. she told people, that the only real measure is time.
but i also dismissed this idea at once. time is flowing, therefore you cannot embrace it. and what would happen if the most important thing in my life keeps fleeting out from my fingers?? that won't do.

3. my self.
this was my final answer. the most important thing in my life...well, is me. i mean, after God.
in the end, it is me who is living my life. and my life contains so many things. my place. i would stay at where i want to be. i would go to where i want to go. if i disliked my place, i'd leave. my decision. to decide where i want to go, with whom i want to be, what i feel and how i deal with it, when i will act, and so on. to decide what future me would deal with. and other things contained within me, they are all so important. altogether, i am the most important thing in my life. after God.


but in the end, the person who asked told us one important thing. my answer could change, as i aged. my answer could change, after all i've been through. i would learn more about life and the most important thing in it. but what matters, i need to always ask God, for i belong to Him. i am His and He is mine. and God would put the answer in my heart and give me all the abilities and ways to make the most from the most important thing in my life, if only i listened and trusted Him. which i do, with all my strength, my mind, my heart, my soul, and my life. why?
because God is my God, my number one.
well, more than number one. He is my Alpha and Omega, my Above All.

regards,
ael.

drama konsul

*uget uget*

hari ini indah! hohoho*ketawa ala abis konsul*
yep, gue mau pamer dong, udah abis konsul...which is awesome, because it really is mind opening. ngga percuma gue buru-buru ngumpulin revisi yang sebenarnya memang sangat sampah itu. at least, beliau jadi masih appreciate gue untuk tetep mau jadi dospem. yippie!
sebenernya, seharusnya gue konsul dengan 2 dosen sekaligus hari ini. frau agustin dan frau aji udah sma-sama ngasih hari yaitu selasa. as usual, frau agustin ngga bilang untuk jamber, sedang as usual, frau aji bilang untuk pagi. truthfully, gue lupa denger frau aji bilang untuk dateng jam setengah sembilan, sembilan, atau sepuluh. bah, kalo liat personality frau aji, seharusnya jam setengah sembilan. tapi gue meyakinkan diri, engga, itu jam sembilan. lucky me, beliau ga inget jamber, dan dengan tenang hati menyilakan gue konsul. fuhh.

konsul bersama frau aji is always nerve wracking. she is the professor i respected the most, because she was effin' clever. besides, she got the sharpest gaze ever. she asked me detailed question with that gaze of her, looking at me impassively as I tried to scratch the answer from my brain. it was kind of difficult, because i used to understand almost nothing about my own writing. yeah, used to. i got it now, you know ;)
back to the story.
saat gue konsul bersama frau aji, it was awesome. she didn't ask me question, but directly explained it to me. later she said, she knew i absolutely had no idea of what to answer her question. how thoughtful of her...

di tengah-tengah lagi konsul, masuklah frau agustin. masuk-masuk, beliau heboh ngomong sama frau aji tentang dia mau pergi, dan dia males banget karena tempatnya di situ. gue ngga terlalu nangkep maksud dia apa karena frau aji masih ngomong ngejelasin ke gue. tetapi yang paling distract adalah fakta ada orang lagi benerin bangunan di luar. rame seampun-ampun.  suara palu berdentam-dentam, mengusik pendengaran gue yang sedang berkonsentrasi untuk menuliskan apa saja yang frau aji katakan. sampai tiba-tiba frau rina ngomong ke gue.
"kamu sama saya kan hari ini?"
"iya, bu."
"nanti kamu sama saya ...(PANG!) jadi ya. saya ...(PANG!) bisa."

otak gue langsung panik. tadi gue denger kata 'ngga' ga ya? jadi dia ngomongnya bisa apa ngga bisa? jadi apa ngga jadi? yampun tadi frau aji ngomong apa? duh gue belom nulis apa yang tadi dia bilang! jadi gue nanti jadi konsul sama frau agustin? oh itu maksud frau aji...yampun ni dosen pinter banget. oke fokus, tulis yang lo denger. eh tapi tadi bilang apa? bener ga yang gue tulis? nanti gue jadi konsul apa engga sama frau agustin???
so dramatic.

frau agustin berlalu, dan gue masi konsul sama frau aji. akhirnya konsul selesai. gue berpikir untuk pulang, tapi masih ragu karena omongan frau rina. omongan yang ga gue denger. damn.
singkat cerita, gue nunggu beliau, setelah denger kepastian dari mba retno kalo ternyata beliau cuma rapat di gedung sebelah. makan yum yum sama karen dan juju di kantin teuer. akhirnya kesampaian juga ngidam makan ayam kremes cabe ijo! ngobrol-ngobrol, ketawa ketiwi. ngomongin ryan dan bekasi. damn, i miss ryan*kibas bulu mata.
balik ke perpus, ketemu nana, kak rizky, kak aang, firda, sari, apiyong, choro, maknae jjang. ketawa-keatwa ngeledeki nana yang salah nepok anak prancis gara-gara ngira itu apiyong. salah dia lah. dia ngira itu apiyong, hanya karena ngeliat jilbab dan kacamata. hellowh, itu kan deskripsi hampir 80% mahasiswi unj -____-
akhirnya ketemu juga sama frau rina, dan dapet kepastian. ternyata tadi dia bilang 'ngga', saudari saudara...konsul gue pun diundur lagi. yaudalah, yang penting konsul dalam waktu dekat.
diajakin sari buat besok nonton sama murti. mau nonton kingsman, si film sofia boutella. ntar kalo mood, gue tulis deh ceritanya besok di sini... :D


oh oh sebelum lupa, ada kabar mengejutkan! mba retno, doi katanya mau married awal maret! selamat ya mbak!!! semoga pernikahannya lancar, menjadi keluarga yang sakinah, mawadah, dan warohmah :D

have a blast daily life, folks.


regards,
ael.

i'd try.

It's no longer 14th February. I just realized, I didn't write a post about Valentine's Day. You see, it's one of my almost yearly topic. The only time I skipped about posting something related was in 2013. That was the year I wrote the least.
Here I am, bringing that topic again. What more related to Valentine than chocolate? Well, since I am a straight female, the answer would be a guy. And as an apology of being late, I would speak about the topic I didn't think I talked about that much lately. About him.

If you happened to know me, you would know that there weren't many things going on in my romance life. I showed almost non existent interest about guys, especially when it came to romance. You would rarely hear me speaking about dating someone, having crush, broken heart, or other stuff like that. Still, longer you knew me, you would somehow knew: there is a person. One particular person in my life, who is a guy.

He is a great, smart, silly but charming guy. A really, really great friend. A friend I cherish deeply, a friend I really miss. A friend I don't know I deserve or not, for I was being a total egoistic jerk to him. Yet he tried to still be my friend. He still smiles when he sees me. He still looks at me. And he still ignites something when I look at him.
He is a great friend. A really, really great friend. He offers me a great friendship, which I've enjoyed to my contentment so far. But there's still something I haven't spoken of to him that I just realized. Not telling him feels like an option, but this is a chance to give it a try. This friendship, this relationship I've defended so far...



I'm going to try breaking it.

What should I do?

Yesterday wasn't a great day for me. It didn't go as well as I planned. I woke up late, I didn't go to the campus. I went into the library and meet Murti and Sari, and I thought today would be quite great. Well, in the beginning it was pretty great. How could it not be? I was with two of my most appreciated friends. But somehow, my mood was already not that good. Not long enough, Choco made an accident.

Choco is my notebook. I like her, because she is small, not that heavy, and the battery lasts quite long*although it gets much slower now because it ages and well, I didn't take care very well of her*. As it ages, it started to...act. As I've said, the battery drains faster now, it started to make weird, loud, grumbling noises, it took a while to open a window, and the newest: the internet browser is being  flamingo. It loads and unresponds like every three minutes, it opens adds much more often and the adds got so difficult to be closed.

And so it began the accident. The add got opened so sudden and it couldn't be closed right away. How unfortunate of me, that the add that got opened was a video. The voice blasted so loudly, filling the library with girls singing, which I got to say, with respect, really unappealing.

Thought it was bad already?
It didn't happen only once.
It happened thrice.
 When it happened for the third times, people gathered, scolded me, even the foreigner. After being stressed because hitting any exit didn't work, I just turned it off forcefully.

I went home walking yesterday. That accident really made my mood bad. Which wasn't good, because my mood was already bad, like for a week? Two weeks? Nonetheless, a long, windy walk would be relaxing, right?

It was one of the best thing to relax. Whenever I felt like I bottled too much thoughts, feelings, emotions, I let them out physically. Hitting something or someone is really great, but mostly I settle for long walk.


But even a long didn't help. What should I do?

1, 2...3.

 Terlempar. Satu kalimat, dan aku terlempar dari realita. Bukan kembali ke masa lalu, bukan juga menuju ke masa depan. Aku terpaku, terpaut di masa sekarang, tanpa dapat melihat dan mendengar apa yang terjadi di sekelilingku.

Penuh. Itulah yang menggambarkan isi rongga dadaku. Dengan perasaankah? Tetapi bukan organ di dalam dada yang mengatur emosi. Otaklah yang mengatur perasaan dan emosi manusia. Tetapi kini otak seolah kosong, tak mampu berpikir.

Bingung. Apa ada aku? Apa ada kamu? Apa ada kita di antara kita? Bagaimana mungkin tidak ada kita di antara kita? Karena kita ada, maka kita ada. Ketika kita tidak ada, barulah kita tidak ada. Namun demi segala kecanggungan ini,kita bahkan tidaklah nyata. Yang ada hanya kita, bukan kita.

Menghela napas. Tarik, hembuskan, tarik, hembuskan. Tarik napas, tutup mata, dan hitung 1, 2....3. Hembuskan, lalu buka mata.
 

  Kau tetap tidak ada.