23, anyway...

another year, another post about my birthday.

maybe this would be my most frightening birthday in my memory. on this birthday, i was reminded with my biggest unsolved challenge. well, so far this is my biggest unsolved challenge. i totally hope i would read this post years later, grinning satisfyingly while remembering this moment. but the truth is, for now...

i'm afraid.

anyhow, what else could i do but stacking my hopes and prays? i really have no idea what God has in store for me. not that i blame Him or anything, that is not my intention. i wonder if God actually was the one who looked at me and wondered, "what do you want in your life, kid?"
that would be a nice question.
i'm still unsure what and how to reply to that question, though.

every year there are blessings, though. it is indeed true that i am still torn between many things. however, i thought i started to see the bigger picture. it is still blurry, though. still, i moved from the spot that would only allow me to see the dots in the bigger picture, without being able to see the whole of it.

sometimes i think to myself, it is unfair. there is this song, which line got stuck in my head and kept popping up from time to time.

if happy ever after did exist

and the rest of the song would be "i would still be holding you like this"

well, that is the law in a fairy tale. and fairy tale is as real as fairy. which you know, well, unreal. and i want to live my the reality, in all its beautiful mess.


aaaaaaannnddddddd...
i am finding beauty in the mess i am in right now. one scene, that would protect me from the bad memories which are in making right now. and like a birthday presents from him, that one act branches out to more acts. really, i am happy now. well, sometimes too happy, which isn't good. but yeah, mostly i am happy.

though, one thing i learn from this experience...
happiness doesn't really cover you from fear. fear needs to be conquered by courage that leads to successful results.
and in turn, i am a bit tired actually. i need the strength to protect myself from collapsing because of fear. i need the strength to make me focus to finish every task. i need the strength to stop me every time i feel too happy.
i need every strength i have...and it makes me more vulnerable in other aspects. for example, aspect of consideration. i am less considerate, less patient with people more than ever. and it's kinda not good, because i don't have much to begin with.


anyway, i am hoping i could get my self out from this situation as fast as possible. and i'm hoping i could learn and enjoy as much as possible from this situation too. next year, i would have a better perspective, better mindset, better everything to report to you.

thanks for the pray and wishes, friends!


regards,
angela.

holla, Oktober

die Zeit vergeht so schnell, oder? es ist nicht mehr September, sondern Oktober. Nanu!

and when the times went by, i forgot many thing that i should have done. get a grip, self!
i can't afford more mistakes. seriously. that was the last straw. I am fully aware, that things have been lining for so freaking long to get done. and among them there are responsibilities, plans, wishes, closures, beginnings, promises, and last but not least, dreams.

in less than two weeks, i'm gonna have my birthday. and you knew what birthdays mean? a new goal to achieve. a celebration i need to plan and pay for. a self talk i need to handle. seriously, where was i lately??

i am fixings things. you have my words, written. and as you know, i am type to keep my words, even when i don't want to.


Oktober, let's roll!

I want to live with no regrets. Well, it's impossible, i know...But at least i want to give it a try. just like my old motto: live your every day like it is your last day on earth.

Most of the plans, wishes and dreams i want to achieve have been inside my mind from a long time ago. and yes, most of them are as crazy as i could remember, and my crazy scale isn't that low. that wild, crazy part of me...i still want to live them.

in the end, it's the life i'd love to live in. and if God allows, i intend to.



Prost,
Angela Juwita.

'k'

so, just a short story...

last week, i helped my cousin with her little cafe. on the last day, i was assigned with her friend at the coffee station. i've met him before, once, but we barely spoke to each other. that time, there was not much people, so there were a lot of time for us to chat. while we were chatting, i figured out that he now was friend with people i used to know in the past.

thinking this was a great opportunity, i asked him about them. those people had changed, some rather extremely, some just around the edge. and from him i knew, that someone, let's just call him 'k', has now married. when i heard that, i spontaneously yelped, "what?!". he was kinda taken aback with my profusely exaggerated reaction, then eyed me suspiciously. I rambled, "well...he was a really funny guy. you know, he was one of the people who laughed distinctively maniac. it just never really went through my mind mind that he would settle down. he was a really great, really, really funny. like, almost too funny to be in a relationship. well, i was just a kid back then, so that's what i got in my mind".

that was really what i thought. 'k' and i used to be quite close. he was really like an older, funnily abstract brother to me. he seriously laughed like a maniac and he was almost always laughing. so the fact that he now got married was kinda hilarious to me. the fact that he once kinda confessed to me didn't really come to mind.

okay, it did come. a little.

yeah, he kinda confessed to me. once we were talking to each other by phone, and he told me there was a girl he liked. i kept asking, yet he didn't want to tell me. eventually, i had to guess by mentioning all the girls' names we knew. finally the only one that was left was my name, and he confessed. he asked me to wait until i was seventeen years old...which was quite far from back then. yep, that was me when i was like in eight grade, and he was over 20 already...so i didn't take it seriously.

and now here we are. after hanging out with them, i stopped seeing them, and finally we just lost contact. even though that wasn't serious at all, it was still a funny story in my mind. and now figuring out he was happily married now, makes me really happy for him. it's a pity though i didn't come to his wedding, because he really was the closest brother to me back then. i could only wish him now all happiness and health(i heard he was sick) and God's blessing.

have a great life, 'k'!

prost,

ael

let's plan a routine..

anyway, this is september already. the ninth month of the year. while i was thinking about it, i got an amazing idea!

the idea is, to make sure i write a post in this blog at least once a month, i would hereby declare a must write post for each month.

if you knew me well, you might have known that i really like number nine. so, why wouldn't i start this idea from the month, which number i like the most? that's the idea. and since nine is my most favorite number, this month's theme would be 'favorite'. this could mean a list of my favorite song, an analyse of my favorite book, and so on. i haven't really decided the theme for every month, but at least i got one for this month already. and now i just need to decide which favorite should i tell...ideas?

perhaps we'll meet soon, again!


prost,
ael.

september to-do list

holla. here i am with a new post. a friend once suggested me to write down september's to-do list. anyway, i am actually not really in the mood of planning, but something is better than nothing, right? so, here we go.
1. surrender the revisions to the professors
it's been a long time, so i think i really need to get it done this month.

2. successfully save some money
it's actually one really tough job to do, especially since my parents cut my allowance. not to mention there would be at least three 'expensive' gatherings i must attend this month. but you know, money problem would surely come every freaking month, so i still should try it. wish me luck, folks.

3. tidy up my room
my room look honestly super messy, you rarely touch the floor while you are walking. papers, empty plastic bags, books, magazines...not to mention the shelf. well, actually, it's not really a shelf. it's a long plank, nailed to the wall. if i were tidying, it usually meant to move all the stuff on the floor and stacked them on that plank. which wouldn't produce a tidy sight, of course. hopefully, this month my room would really look tidy after i'm done with the task.

4. last but not least, the food planning. you remembered that in the beginning i said a friend suggested to make this post? well actually, he showed an example of september's to-eat list. and i'm not sure, what to write actually. not because i don't really like eating, of course, but more like there are too many things i have in mind, yet i'm fully aware of my *cough*finance*cough*. but at least i could say the sakura milk tea with mini bubble from pim. damn, that mini bubble really is addictive.


i don't know what else to write, so i guess the list would stop here. anyway, quick report, my period just finished. that was really, really, really relieving because it drains me physically and mentally. i mean, yeah, i'm happy i'm healthy enough. still, it seems unfair that i got punished for being healthy and pregnantless. my cramps are waking me when i was sleeping. my hormones are freaking unstable, i just felt like punching a few people back then. well, just two actually. thank God it's over now.

anyway, i'm looking forward to post another post soon enough. catch you later, folks.

prost,
ael.

i know

Dear Lord Jesus,
Good morning. I know we just finished talking, but I felt like i should write this letter as a reminder for my own.

I know that You know how tired i am. How envious i become towards my kin. How bitter i am in this present time. How fake i become in front of people, including my own self.

I know that You know i resented you a  bit. I am sorry. I really, really, really am sorry. I was kind of blaming, and i'm sorry. It wasn't fair and totally wrong of me. Sorry.

However i know, that all these pains would be worthy. All the stuck up anger, jealousy, low self esteem, and other negativities that were building inside and causing so much pain, would be gone.

How could i know? Well, truthfully i don't. It is just by faith in You. Yep, my far-from-perfect faith, my still-sees faith, my faith that i surrender to You. And looking back to my life, how could i not have faith in You? You made me survive that. And here i am, experiencing all those judgements and once again, i come to You. If that wasn't the sign You still want me, still intend to finish Your plan in me, i must be a rubber duck.
(Well, that's one bad joke, but You got it, right? Oh come on, You're the one who created me after all..)

Anyhow, thank You. I know that You forgive me, and i know You're the one who gives me that kind of faith. The kind that maybe seem to small for world, but directed to the right place. And thank you for Your patience that keeps fighting for me, defending me. I would make You proud, Lord, and that is a promise.


Eternally grateful,
Angela juwita

Oh, and i love You. You know i don't say it lightly, right? But know that my heart whispers it in every breath, every mili second, "i love You, Jesus".

just sleep.

Dear self,
I really, really, really, really, really don't want to cry now. Besides, you cannot afford it. So, just go to sleep, will you?

Sincerely,
me.

change?

yes, we need friends for living.

when i was kid, i thought that i wasn't good at making friends. yes, that was something i thought ever since i was little. i realized i was kind of stubborn and liked to push people when things didn't go my way. we all know that every social circles has a kind of alpha person. i was an alpha by my own. i never intended, forget liked, to try fitting into a clique i wasn't interested with.

i could say i've changed now.

well, not that much, perhaps. but yes, i did change. i could say this because a few people have confirmed it by telling it to me, both friends and long term acquaintances.
they said that i was more approachable.
i was friendlier.
surprisingly, i was kind.
and frankly, i was kinda happy being able to change.

am i, though?
i don't think i'm happy  about the fact i've changed anymore. i think i've made a dire mistake by changing my personality. i think i befriended people not worth my time. i think i made my self vulnerable to more useless nuisance.

at least there are two things i know for sure now.
one, i cannot undo things that have happened.
two, those thoughts above aren't really helpful.


well, i don't know about this, but i am sure that my life is gonna be better. it's okay that i've changed. it's i used to think that it was good. but, it's also okay that i think the change wasn't good. i am learning and life is changing. just hang on to to the faith my life is gonna be better, while keep living on my days to the fullest. however, life isn't that predictable, is it?

i'm not sure where this post head to anymore, so i'll end it up here.
see ya later!

me vs jahe

gue mau cerita tentang kejadian sekitar 2 minggu lalu. lupa lah persisnya kapan. jadi, sekitaran waktu itu, nyokap pulang kampung ke toraja, karena emaknya mintanya dia dateng. aslinya nyokap males pulang kampung. masalahnya ke kampung tuh jauh, mahal pula. karena nenek gue lagi sakit, emak gue mikir mending ongkos pulang kampung dikirim aja buat nenek gue. tapi setelah direngekin berminggu-minggu, akhirnya nyokap kalah. pulanglah beliau ke kampung sendirian.

sebelum berangkat, beliau udah titip pesen kalo dia ninggalin banyak bahan makanan di kulkas. pas gue intip-intip, ga ada bahan yang kayaknya bisa dipake buat bikin nasi goreng. adanya bahan buat bikin sop lah, ayam yang masi gede-gede lah...dan karena gue ga bisa masak kecuali dijadiin nasi gorenga*yang kebanyakan itu eksperimen*, urusan masak memasak otomatis diserahkan ke kakak gue.

dia mulai dengan yang gampang-gampang. ayam langsung dipanggang, karena udah dibumbuin. setelah ayam abis, barulah dia berani masak si sop tulang itu. excited lah gue mikirin makan sop tulang.

sop tulang itu kan bening,jadi semua bahan langsung keliatan. gue aduk-aduk, ga liat apa pun selain daging, tulang, kaldu. dengan bahagia, gue ambil piring dan nyendok. pas gue duduk, dan gue melakukan suapan pertama...
hmm.
wait a minute.
ada yang aneh.

"bee, lo masukin jahe di sini?"

muka kakak gue berubah jadi sok-polos-sok-gatau-tapi-bersalah sambil senyam senyum.
"emm...emang pake?"

gue hanya menjawab dengan muka are-you-flamingo-kidding-me-you-better-explain-now-while-i-still-ask-you-nicely.

dan akhirnya dia ngaku.
jadi sebelum berangkat, nyokap gue nitip pesan lain secara personal ke dia.
nyokap : jadi, nanti bumbu sopnya ini, ini, ini, dan jahe.
biga      : tapi nanti ela gamau makan.
nyokap : ah nanti sebelum matang, kamu keluarin jahenya dari sop. dia kalo ga liat ga ngeh.

"sorry ya, tapi gue cerdas keleus. ya kan baunya masi ada. kalian coba-coba..."

"eh la, tapi belum selesai ceritanya."

"hah?"

"jadi kan gue periksa-periksa dapur, ternyata jahenya ngga ada. gue sampe niat banget loh, bongkar-bongkar lemari sama kulkas. tapi ga ada juga. akhirnya, gue minta jahe ke sebelah. terus gue ngelakuin persis  yang mama omongin. huahahahahahahaha"

selesai denger ceritanya, gue cuma bisa masang muka you-really-are-flamingo-kidding-me. dan dia cuma bisa cengar-cengir bersalah dan sekaligus ngerasa pinter.

begitu nyokap balik, gue cerita*sekaligus confront* beliau. dan dia cengar cengir bersalah dan sekaligus ngerasa pinter. ebusett persis banget ama anaknya yang atu. ckck. like mother, like daughter -__-

p.s: gue berhenti makan sopnya, that's for sure.
nilai moral: jangan kasi makan gue sesuatu berjahe.

yeah, you are shaken, self.

yesterday, i heard your name mentioned.
not just any name. not just someone who happened to have the same name as yours, but literally yours.
it caught me while i was letting my guard down. it isn't like i forget about you. of course i think about you often, maybe almost every day. but hearing your name mentioned from other people's mouth, loudly, affected me more than I could imagine. I could only stand still, couldn't speak for a while. and just my luck, no one really noticed.

it left me wondering. i am forgiving you, right? i am. i am forgiving you, bit by bit. and i believed i've made a progress on forgiving you. i mean, i am not that bitter anymore.

i'm writing this as a reminder to my own self, that this time, this year, i heard his name. i was shaking unknowingly, and while i am writing now, i am shaking too.
future me, i hope next time you heard his name mentioned...you wouldn't be as shaken as now.

sincerely,
your younger self.

tale a friend

hey, folks. how's your day so far? though, today wasn't especially good, actually life has been pretty good lately. my mood is pretty high and i am excited about many things. talking to God is really relieving. you don't trust me? then, find out by yourself ;)

as you've seen, i've changed my blog address. i was quite sure this was the first time i've changed the address. i've changed the title of this blog for a couple times, but the address was fixed. well, it wasn't as fixed as i thought, though.

a. haints.blogspot.com
yep, this was my first blog address and it stayed for the longest time so far. i picked this word 'haints', from a novel i was reading back then. i forgot the title of the novel, i even forgot the story in it. one thing for sure, there were a white man and indian tribes there. indian, as in native american, not the one with hinduism. and one of the indian language written there was 'haints'. it means 'friend'.
and when i made this blog, i thought what role this blog would play in my life. diary? life notes? joker? then i decided, this blog would be a friend. i wrote my thought just like if i were talking to a friend. i didn't have many friends back then, and 'haints' was doing a great job.
long after that, which was current, i searched the meaning of 'haints' in internet. what i found was far from what i expected. all referred that 'haints' means 'ghost', 'lost soul', 'haunting soul', 'spook'. there was also an explanation that 'haints' together with 'blue' referred to a color, blue mixed with green, so it would look like the ocean. further article explained that the color was called 'haints blue', because that was the color that would repel the 'haints' a.k.a the ghosts, because they were afraid of water and the color was like the color of water. other meaning i got was' 'evil bitch', 'mean person', 'a truly, scary, evil witch', 'a hateful bitch', or the longest one: 'a truly heinous she-devil so brutal that anachronistic and unusual colloquial slang is called for'.
those last definition took its toll on me, so i decided to change the address for good. at least, until i got the evident back, that 'haints' really means 'friend'. or maybe until i decided to be a truly evil, mean, hateful, bitchy she-devil for good, which i have no interest at all. for now.

b. titlinghead.blogspot.com
yeah, this was the second address. i liked it, although one friend commented how weird it sounds. i don't know, i like the way it sounds. i could imagine i tilt my head while writing. tilting head is like moving my brain to work or like trying to see from a different perspective, different angle.
i changed the address after i found out that there was a blog with the address titlingheads.wordpress.com.
the blog was written by an amazing person named fransesca or fran, how people usually called her . she was a breast cancer patient, who decided to write the blog to get a few things off her chest. the posts were mainly about her life and her friends (this was actually just  a conclusion by quick observe). the last post told the reader that she was died at april 8th, 2013. i haven't finished reading the blog, but i'm interested to do so. a few posts i've read were amazingly touching. she was able to stay positive during her weakness and courage people to do the same.
dear fran, i may not know who you are and how hard it was for you. i wish your family and friends the strength and all happiness so you could watch them from above with smile. congratulations on finishing this life with such great spirit and thank you for the lessons. may you rest in peace.

c. taleafriend.blogspot.com
yep, this is the one i still use until now. if you read it it could sound like 'tell a friend'. it suits the initial goal and meaning of this blog. all friends are welcomed to read this, because this is indeed the part of my life i would like share with friends.


those are my blog addresses so far. actually, the current address is still a bit awkward for me. i don't know if i felt that way just because i'm not used to it yet or because deep down i know it isn't the right fit. but for now, i'll give it a try. you never know unless you try it, right?

oh and one little thing. you know,how i used to end most (or at least some) of the posts? 'regards, ael'? i also thought to change it. and it definitely is the right fit.
for now ;)


always.
ael

the most important thing in my life

in the youth service tonight, someone asked, "what is the most important thing in your life?"
he gave us about 3 minutes to think of the answer, and heard out each of our answer. i sat at the edge, so i got more time to think about it. and it was good, because even until my time came up, i was still unsure about my answer.
i gotta admit, once i heard the question, i thought  of God. but then i thought, it was a youth service. we were at the church. i do believe God is the most important thing in your life. then i thought to my self, what about the second? and this was the list of thing that popped in my head.

1. family
once i thought about it i was like, "eyy...is it?" i didn't mean to be an ungrateful child, but to be honest i don't think family is the most important thing in my life. they are people I would die for, that's for sure. they are important more than anything and irreplaceable, that's for sure. but to say they are the most important means i would put them first in any, if not most, situation. and as much as i love my family and the uncountable thing i would do for them, to say family is the most important thing for now isn't...right. there are times when i would prefer to spend time with other than with them. therefore, i didn't say "family".
though i guess if the question was, "who is the most important thing in your life?", my answer would be, "my family."
this is kind of contradicted with my final answer -__-

2. time
i gotta be honest, i thought to answer 'time', because i just re-watch the movie, lucy. have you seen the movie. it was about a human who was able to use her brain up to 100%. she told people, that the only real measure is time.
but i also dismissed this idea at once. time is flowing, therefore you cannot embrace it. and what would happen if the most important thing in my life keeps fleeting out from my fingers?? that won't do.

3. my self.
this was my final answer. the most important thing in my life...well, is me. i mean, after God.
in the end, it is me who is living my life. and my life contains so many things. my place. i would stay at where i want to be. i would go to where i want to go. if i disliked my place, i'd leave. my decision. to decide where i want to go, with whom i want to be, what i feel and how i deal with it, when i will act, and so on. to decide what future me would deal with. and other things contained within me, they are all so important. altogether, i am the most important thing in my life. after God.


but in the end, the person who asked told us one important thing. my answer could change, as i aged. my answer could change, after all i've been through. i would learn more about life and the most important thing in it. but what matters, i need to always ask God, for i belong to Him. i am His and He is mine. and God would put the answer in my heart and give me all the abilities and ways to make the most from the most important thing in my life, if only i listened and trusted Him. which i do, with all my strength, my mind, my heart, my soul, and my life. why?
because God is my God, my number one.
well, more than number one. He is my Alpha and Omega, my Above All.

regards,
ael.

drama konsul

*uget uget*

hari ini indah! hohoho*ketawa ala abis konsul*
yep, gue mau pamer dong, udah abis konsul...which is awesome, because it really is mind opening. ngga percuma gue buru-buru ngumpulin revisi yang sebenarnya memang sangat sampah itu. at least, beliau jadi masih appreciate gue untuk tetep mau jadi dospem. yippie!
sebenernya, seharusnya gue konsul dengan 2 dosen sekaligus hari ini. frau agustin dan frau aji udah sma-sama ngasih hari yaitu selasa. as usual, frau agustin ngga bilang untuk jamber, sedang as usual, frau aji bilang untuk pagi. truthfully, gue lupa denger frau aji bilang untuk dateng jam setengah sembilan, sembilan, atau sepuluh. bah, kalo liat personality frau aji, seharusnya jam setengah sembilan. tapi gue meyakinkan diri, engga, itu jam sembilan. lucky me, beliau ga inget jamber, dan dengan tenang hati menyilakan gue konsul. fuhh.

konsul bersama frau aji is always nerve wracking. she is the professor i respected the most, because she was effin' clever. besides, she got the sharpest gaze ever. she asked me detailed question with that gaze of her, looking at me impassively as I tried to scratch the answer from my brain. it was kind of difficult, because i used to understand almost nothing about my own writing. yeah, used to. i got it now, you know ;)
back to the story.
saat gue konsul bersama frau aji, it was awesome. she didn't ask me question, but directly explained it to me. later she said, she knew i absolutely had no idea of what to answer her question. how thoughtful of her...

di tengah-tengah lagi konsul, masuklah frau agustin. masuk-masuk, beliau heboh ngomong sama frau aji tentang dia mau pergi, dan dia males banget karena tempatnya di situ. gue ngga terlalu nangkep maksud dia apa karena frau aji masih ngomong ngejelasin ke gue. tetapi yang paling distract adalah fakta ada orang lagi benerin bangunan di luar. rame seampun-ampun.  suara palu berdentam-dentam, mengusik pendengaran gue yang sedang berkonsentrasi untuk menuliskan apa saja yang frau aji katakan. sampai tiba-tiba frau rina ngomong ke gue.
"kamu sama saya kan hari ini?"
"iya, bu."
"nanti kamu sama saya ...(PANG!) jadi ya. saya ...(PANG!) bisa."

otak gue langsung panik. tadi gue denger kata 'ngga' ga ya? jadi dia ngomongnya bisa apa ngga bisa? jadi apa ngga jadi? yampun tadi frau aji ngomong apa? duh gue belom nulis apa yang tadi dia bilang! jadi gue nanti jadi konsul sama frau agustin? oh itu maksud frau aji...yampun ni dosen pinter banget. oke fokus, tulis yang lo denger. eh tapi tadi bilang apa? bener ga yang gue tulis? nanti gue jadi konsul apa engga sama frau agustin???
so dramatic.

frau agustin berlalu, dan gue masi konsul sama frau aji. akhirnya konsul selesai. gue berpikir untuk pulang, tapi masih ragu karena omongan frau rina. omongan yang ga gue denger. damn.
singkat cerita, gue nunggu beliau, setelah denger kepastian dari mba retno kalo ternyata beliau cuma rapat di gedung sebelah. makan yum yum sama karen dan juju di kantin teuer. akhirnya kesampaian juga ngidam makan ayam kremes cabe ijo! ngobrol-ngobrol, ketawa ketiwi. ngomongin ryan dan bekasi. damn, i miss ryan*kibas bulu mata.
balik ke perpus, ketemu nana, kak rizky, kak aang, firda, sari, apiyong, choro, maknae jjang. ketawa-keatwa ngeledeki nana yang salah nepok anak prancis gara-gara ngira itu apiyong. salah dia lah. dia ngira itu apiyong, hanya karena ngeliat jilbab dan kacamata. hellowh, itu kan deskripsi hampir 80% mahasiswi unj -____-
akhirnya ketemu juga sama frau rina, dan dapet kepastian. ternyata tadi dia bilang 'ngga', saudari saudara...konsul gue pun diundur lagi. yaudalah, yang penting konsul dalam waktu dekat.
diajakin sari buat besok nonton sama murti. mau nonton kingsman, si film sofia boutella. ntar kalo mood, gue tulis deh ceritanya besok di sini... :D


oh oh sebelum lupa, ada kabar mengejutkan! mba retno, doi katanya mau married awal maret! selamat ya mbak!!! semoga pernikahannya lancar, menjadi keluarga yang sakinah, mawadah, dan warohmah :D

have a blast daily life, folks.


regards,
ael.

i'd try.

It's no longer 14th February. I just realized, I didn't write a post about Valentine's Day. You see, it's one of my almost yearly topic. The only time I skipped about posting something related was in 2013. That was the year I wrote the least.
Here I am, bringing that topic again. What more related to Valentine than chocolate? Well, since I am a straight female, the answer would be a guy. And as an apology of being late, I would speak about the topic I didn't think I talked about that much lately. About him.

If you happened to know me, you would know that there weren't many things going on in my romance life. I showed almost non existent interest about guys, especially when it came to romance. You would rarely hear me speaking about dating someone, having crush, broken heart, or other stuff like that. Still, longer you knew me, you would somehow knew: there is a person. One particular person in my life, who is a guy.

He is a great, smart, silly but charming guy. A really, really great friend. A friend I cherish deeply, a friend I really miss. A friend I don't know I deserve or not, for I was being a total egoistic jerk to him. Yet he tried to still be my friend. He still smiles when he sees me. He still looks at me. And he still ignites something when I look at him.
He is a great friend. A really, really great friend. He offers me a great friendship, which I've enjoyed to my contentment so far. But there's still something I haven't spoken of to him that I just realized. Not telling him feels like an option, but this is a chance to give it a try. This friendship, this relationship I've defended so far...



I'm going to try breaking it.

What should I do?

Yesterday wasn't a great day for me. It didn't go as well as I planned. I woke up late, I didn't go to the campus. I went into the library and meet Murti and Sari, and I thought today would be quite great. Well, in the beginning it was pretty great. How could it not be? I was with two of my most appreciated friends. But somehow, my mood was already not that good. Not long enough, Choco made an accident.

Choco is my notebook. I like her, because she is small, not that heavy, and the battery lasts quite long*although it gets much slower now because it ages and well, I didn't take care very well of her*. As it ages, it started to...act. As I've said, the battery drains faster now, it started to make weird, loud, grumbling noises, it took a while to open a window, and the newest: the internet browser is being  flamingo. It loads and unresponds like every three minutes, it opens adds much more often and the adds got so difficult to be closed.

And so it began the accident. The add got opened so sudden and it couldn't be closed right away. How unfortunate of me, that the add that got opened was a video. The voice blasted so loudly, filling the library with girls singing, which I got to say, with respect, really unappealing.

Thought it was bad already?
It didn't happen only once.
It happened thrice.
 When it happened for the third times, people gathered, scolded me, even the foreigner. After being stressed because hitting any exit didn't work, I just turned it off forcefully.

I went home walking yesterday. That accident really made my mood bad. Which wasn't good, because my mood was already bad, like for a week? Two weeks? Nonetheless, a long, windy walk would be relaxing, right?

It was one of the best thing to relax. Whenever I felt like I bottled too much thoughts, feelings, emotions, I let them out physically. Hitting something or someone is really great, but mostly I settle for long walk.


But even a long didn't help. What should I do?

1, 2...3.

 Terlempar. Satu kalimat, dan aku terlempar dari realita. Bukan kembali ke masa lalu, bukan juga menuju ke masa depan. Aku terpaku, terpaut di masa sekarang, tanpa dapat melihat dan mendengar apa yang terjadi di sekelilingku.

Penuh. Itulah yang menggambarkan isi rongga dadaku. Dengan perasaankah? Tetapi bukan organ di dalam dada yang mengatur emosi. Otaklah yang mengatur perasaan dan emosi manusia. Tetapi kini otak seolah kosong, tak mampu berpikir.

Bingung. Apa ada aku? Apa ada kamu? Apa ada kita di antara kita? Bagaimana mungkin tidak ada kita di antara kita? Karena kita ada, maka kita ada. Ketika kita tidak ada, barulah kita tidak ada. Namun demi segala kecanggungan ini,kita bahkan tidaklah nyata. Yang ada hanya kita, bukan kita.

Menghela napas. Tarik, hembuskan, tarik, hembuskan. Tarik napas, tutup mata, dan hitung 1, 2....3. Hembuskan, lalu buka mata.
 

  Kau tetap tidak ada.

BANGUN WOY!

"Ingat, kejahatan terjadi bukan karena ada niat pelakunya. Tapi juga karena ada kesempatan. Waspadalah! Waspadalah! Waspadalah!"

-bang napi-

slogan yang sangat populer, bukan? terlalu populer, malah. semua orang seolah-olah tahu dan mengaminkannya. benarkah demikian?

slogan ini mendorong kita untuk waspada. memikirkan kemungkinan terburuk yang akan orang lain lakukan terhadap kita. tetapi sadarkah, bahwa slogan ini mencuci otak? seolah-olah kejahatan memiliki 2 buah penyebab. seolah-olah ada 2 pihak yang sama bertanggung jawab. BANGUN WOY!

kejahatan adalah tanggung jawab penjahat. kejahatan adalah tanggung jawab penjahat. ini hal yang tidak bisa dipungkiri, hal yang tidak dapat diputarbalikkan.

ada orang menaruh uang sembarangan, lalu dicopet. ya, fakta bahwa orang itu ceroboh benar. fakta bahwa ceroboh itu tidak baik, benar. tetapi fakta orang itu dicopet, adalah sepenuhnya tanggung jawab pencopet. menyembul atau tidak menyembul uang dari kantong, saat pencopet berpikir, memutuskan dan melakukan tindakan mencopet, itu sepenuhnya keputusan sang pencopet. maka dari itu, tindak pencopetan merupakan sepenuhnya tanggung jawab sang pencopet.

ada perempuan mengenakan berjalan sendirian. terlepas dari ia sendirian atau tidak, ia perempuan atau tidak, ia mengenakan pakaian yang bagaimana, saat sang pemerkosa menginginkan perempuan tersebut, itu sepenuhnya keputusan pemerkosa. saat sang pemerkosa melakukan pencobaan pemerkosaan, itu keputusan pemerkosa. dan atas setiap keputusan yang ia ambil, ia bertanggung jawab atas keputusan dan hasil yang terjadi akibat keputusannya.

apa sih manfaat slogan ini? membuat orang lebih waspada? oke, kalau orang menjadi lebih waspada, tingkat keberhasilan tingkat kejahatan mungkin mengecil? tapi apa itu cukup? apa tidak dirasa ada yang kurang?

kalau belum jelas, biar diperjelas. masalah utama dari kejahatan itu apa? yang dari tadi saya tulis itu ujungnya apa?

sang penjahat.

dibandingkan mengajar orang lebih waspada, akan jauh lebih baik, jauh lebih berarti, bila orang diajar untuk tidak melakukan kejahatan. akan jauh lebih berarti untuk mengajar orang tidak mencuri, membunuh, memerkosa, menganiaya, atau tindak kejahatan lainnya. meminta orang lebih waspada memang baik, tetapi itu bukan jalan keluar. apalagi dengan menggunakan slogan yang seolah menanamkan bahwa kejahatan merupakan tanggung jawab kedua pihak, penjahat dan korban, itu TIDAK BENAR. kejahatan adalah tanggung jawab penjahat, maka dari itu oranglah yang harus dihentikan dari melakukan tidak kejahatan.

orang ceroboh akan menerima hasil kecerobohannya, bukan akan bertanggungjawab atas apa yang orang lain lakukan kepada dia karena hasil kecerobohannya. uangnya menyembul dari kantong, itu hasil kecerobohan. uang jatuh, itu hasil kecerobohan. orang mengambil uangnya, itu bukan hasil kecerobohan. itu hasil pemikiran orang yang mengambil. di luar uang itu misalnya tanggung jawab si orang ceroboh dari perusahaan, itu tanggung jawabnya kepada perusahaan. ia tidak bertanggung jawab ke masyarakat, dan masyarakat tidak berhak menuduh bahwa hilangnya uang yang diambil orang sebagai tanggung jawab orang yang uangnya diambil.

teach people to not do crimes, instead of teach people to be careful.

the late new year greetings

happy new year, folks.

sorry for saying this late. mana postingan pertama kesannya kok begitu anet...yah maklumlah. tema tahun lalu memang 'kecewa'. gue kecewa dengan banyak hal, banyak orang...yang sebenarnya agak mengesalkan, karena gue ga sering kecewa sama orang. technically, orang bisa kecewa kalo orang tersebut punya ekspektasi dan/ harapan. ga banyak orang yang gue harepin, dan gue juga jarang berekspektasi yang kemungkinan gagalnya besar. yah, tapi prediksi gue salah. no big deal. it's life. in one point or another, i know it would get messed up eventually.

what else should i say? ah, resolusi tahun 2015. kalau kalian mengikuti dari tahun2 sebelumnya, biasanya gue membuat resolusi dengan sebuah tema. misalnya tema 2014 adalah 'to be a good girl'. ga bisa dibilang failed, namun ga 100% successful.
nonetheless, tahun ini ga ada tema. gatau, masih kebawa sinis tahun kemarin, maybe? yah, bisa dikatakan semua hal yang bikin gue down itu numpuk dan terkuaknya pas akhir tahun. meh, whatever.

kayaknya itu aja. gue punya resolusi tahun baru, but i'll keep it to myself. i hope i could write more regularly, but we'll see about that later.
in the end, i wish all readers a great start to a great year. let's work hard and get along with each other. fighting! ^^

once upon a time...

once upon a time, there was a very difficult person named ‘she’. she saw how the world treated people unfairly. she saw how people got hurt, got bullied by a group of people who called themselves ‘friends’. it happened before her eyes, so then she went home and thought to herself, friends were danger.

she kept that thought with her always. she trusted no one, because trust was friends’ weapon. she was mean, harsh, cold and straightforward, so people wouldn’t get closer to her. although people disliked the wall she built between her and them, they couldn’t do anything, because she was strong.

time went by, and she grew up. the friends that she saw bullied other people had moved on and never been seen again. she climbed her wall and saw, there were new people out there. she watched them for quite some time and found herself liking them. she also saw there were people who had been around her wall for a long time.  she gathered her will and courage, and one day, she started leaving her wall.

leaving her wall wasn’t easy. but people outside, who always had been there for a long time, cheered her up. she got more comfortable each day, bolder to share with those people. she started naming them one by one, as ‘friend’. seeing how that name fit them well, she dared herself to meet other people and name them ‘friends’ too. she was so happy, so grateful that she had those who were with her for a long time. she thought, for they had been with her for a long time, they would always be there.

how naïve of her.

things started to go wrong. those people started to change. she got alerted, but she couldn’t bring herself to attack them. instead, she tried slipping away, walking closer to her old wall. after arriving in front of her wall, she realized how long had she left her wall unattended. the wall was withered, a few weapons were missing from its places. while she was thinking in front of her wall, her old friends came one by one, bearing boxes. how shocked she was when she opened those boxes! friends were giving her disappointments, making her deeply disappointed.

disappointment was such an embarrassing thing. she was so embarrassed, she thought of going back to her wall instantly. but then she remembered the cheering she received when she left the wall. the cheering came from the people who gave her those boxes. those good memories from the same people made the boxes heavier. she needed to make a decision soon, whether to return to the wall or bore the disappointment and stayed with her friends.

she is me.

moral lesson: disappointment hurts.