So, I just had my 26th birthday.
I know it's been such a long time, and I do think I should start doing this again. Writing blog.
Actually, I wrote a post right on my birthday. It is a really depressing one, I should say. But looking at my previous post, I thought I shouldn't post that. This blog would be a really weird place if I placed all my thoughts unfiltered. Well, that's one of its purpose, but I intend to make this a memory store. What would I think later when I open this and all I find is unfiltered, kind of depressing thoughts? Surely my future self would be confused.
Anyway, there is one thing I have in my mind these days. It was also the overall theme of my unpublished post.
It is about wall.
Long story short, I have a wall. Well, everybody has their own wall. I just didn't know how to break mine and was scared I would never be able to tear it down.
I still don't know, actually. But after a while, I realized that it is just something I don't know. Not knowing something is scary. But knowing that you don't know about something is actually just a temporary state. As time goes on, as long as you try, you'll know more. Well, what you know could be wrong, but sometimes it could be right.
Right now, I want to know how to tear this wall. It's scary, but it's in my nature to find out about this, because it's about me. It should be an amusing journey!
A wall is basically there to protect me. I know.
It has protected me from people, including myself. I didn't dwell too long on my sadness. I wasn't that bothered with what people do to me, and if I did, it didn't last that long.
But this wall also caged me with my own thoughts.
And they are viscious creatures.
Yeah, I'm scared to deal with my emotions more often maybe...
But I'm more scared to stay longer in this whirlpool of mind.
To be reminded of all the hurt I had, so when another hurt comes, I'm used to it.
To hear my mind divided into several voices, all analyzing, critizing, arguing, basically fighting with each other.
To select and knit pieces of truth, so when people come, all they get is less than a veil of myself.
To be panicked inside as I saw myself did this but couldn't change it even if I wanted to.
Well, look at that. Another depressing post.
Seriously, I need to tear this wall apart. A past needs to remain as past, the only piece I need is the lesson from it. My mind needs to think about other more important things, voices fighting in my head doesn't really help with anything. Truth shouldn't be knitted. I think it's another form of lies and I don't like lying.
Sounds clear, right?
Absolutely not. Seriously, how do I suddenly think that way? Theories are there, but doing it is another matter.
But, I'll make changes. I'll make dents. Brick by brick. Thoughts by thoughts. Mind pattern by mind pattern.
Happy adulting!
Or happy wrecking ball? Eww, miley.
